funny

[rotator]

THE BASS PRO SHOP:


A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' He says,
'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can
tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's
a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test
line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only
$20.00.'

It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on
the counter', she says. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse,her credit
card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he sez.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it
was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

Ted

[BrianW]

Re: funny

A man is on holiday in north Africa and gets talking to an Arab guy in a bar.

He asks the Arab "What is your job "

The Arab replies "I am a Bricker"

"Whats that" asks the tourist

"I castrate Camels by holding a brick in each hand, standing behind the Camel then clapping the bricks together with the Camels testicles between them"

"Wow! I bet that hurts like crazy" said the Tourist

"Only if you catch your thumbs between the bricks" answered the Arab.

[LowPost42]

Re: funny

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.

After a short journey, he arrived at the course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

Not wanting to be held to a forward tee box, the businessman lied. "Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.

The Pro then called a Caddy.

"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.

"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the Caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the Caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcerned.

"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."

[rotator]

Re: funny

THE BULL

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock..

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

[gus65]

Re: funny

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.








"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."



"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."



"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"



"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"




"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"









"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made…









…and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"









"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"




"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"













"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.




"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"




"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.



"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"




Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



"You missed the putt, didn't you?"

[rotator]

Re: funny

Cheating:


A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

[rotator]

Re: funny

Lion Tamer Needed:


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way...

[rotator]

Re: funny

Jewish Sex


No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since, by Jewish law, a wife is entitled to sexual satisfaction, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm, and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

[rotator]

Re: funny

An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,

"Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.

Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.

The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!

The concrete and steel it would take!

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.


Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times.

All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive.

I wish that I could understand women.

I want to know how they feel inside,

what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,

why they cry,

what they mean when they say "nothing" and

how I can make a woman truly happy?"



After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"