Duck walks into a pub

[BrianW]

A duck walks into a pub and asks the barman: "Got any bread"

Barman: "No"

Duck "Got any bread"

Barman "No"

Duck "Got any bread"

Barman "I said no"

Duck "Got any bread"

I just F***ing said NO!

Duck "Got any bread"

Barman "If you ask for bread again I will nail your F***ing beak to the door

Duck "Got any nails"

Barman "No"

Duck "Got any bread"

[slater170]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

A duck walks into a pub and asks the barman: "Got any bread"

Barman: "No"

Duck "Got any bread"

Barman "No"

Duck "Got any bread"

Barman "I said no"

Duck "Got any bread"

I just F***ing said NO!

Duck "Got any bread"

Barman "If you ask for bread again I will nail your F***ing beak to the door

Duck "Got any nails"

Barman "No"

Duck "Got any bread"

[slater170]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

paul mccartney bought heather mills a wooden leg, its not her main present just a stocking filler!

he got her a remington ladyshave and a black + decker sander for the other leg

he was asked what he used to do when she became unstable, he said he used to stick a couple of beer mats under her wooden leg

[bdbl]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

Two posts in one.

A Happy Christmas from soggy shandy drinking sarf London and a tasteles response to Slat's joke.

Heather Mills Mcartney's Pussy

[slater170]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

Two posts in one.

A Happy Christmas from soggy shandy drinking sarf London and a tasteles response to Slat's joke.

Heather Mills Mcartney's Pussy

in hindsight making fun of someone with a wooden leg is a bit prosthetic

[slater170]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

In happier times, Paul was taking Heather to the doctor for a checkup. He came to the nurse at reception and said "This is my wife with a prosthetic leg named Heather", to which the nurse replied "What's the name of her other leg?"

[BrianW]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

Broke my heart when I heard she has dutch elm disease

[Ian Hancock]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

Duck walks in the Pub,

Duck: Asks for a pint and a pasty

Barman: I can't believe it a talking Duck

Duck: So what says the duck there are three of us working on the building site across the road.

'This goes on for days, the duck keeps poping in for a pint and a pasty'

Duck walks in a week later..........

Barman: we had the Circus Master in here the other week, he says he could really do with someone like you.

Duck: What the f**k does he want with a plasterer.


Happy Boxing day.

Ian.

[GoNavy]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.
Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".
The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.
The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.
The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"? She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[BrianW]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

A man walks into a pharmacy run by three middle aged spinsters. He asks the woman at the counter if they can give him something for a permanent erection. The woman says "I need to consult with my two sisters" She returns after ten minutes and says "We can give you half the business, £60,000 a year and a company car"

[arny660]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

Brian

The one about the 3 spinsters really made me laugh. Very funny.

[arcartist]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

A duck a priest a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender ask...what is this? Some kind of a joke?

Yeah..I know...

[qassim]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud,'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy ****,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you
asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers.
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the £20000 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a slinky black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

[BrianW]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

I was on an international flight when I noticed the guy in front had a dog with him. I explained that dogs were not allowed on the plane, he said it was OK as he was a security officer and it was a police sniffer dog.

I asked how the dog operated and he said "see that suspicious guy over there" he then sent the dog to him, the dog sniffed him all over then came back and raised his right leg. The security guy said "That means he has cocaine on him"

He then sent the dog to another suspicious looking guy, the dog came back and raised his left leg, the officer said "That means he has marijuana on him" I said "What a smart dog"

He then sent the dog to another guy, the dog sniffed him all over, came back and Sh*t on the floor. I said "what does that mean" The officer said "That means he has a bomb on hiim"

[qassim]

Re: Duck walks into a pub

Tale of the Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any Money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two Pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much Trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry; I have a Plan, Cheers!'
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are Killin'me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the Sausage in the third pub.